Don´t turn around

i would like to know what you have to say
is it really true that you thought this way
was a way to get through to me for more then
just a week or else a month until i would drop
dead to the floor and give up all my senses
that were errors from the start?

is it true that you didnt have a second thought
whether or not this was how it was going to be?
all that time i was hoping i was right and
you were wrong but you were right and i was wrong
thats why it has been haunting me for longer
then my mind can comprehend.

i´m still lost, in search of something to move on
how true that you were a thread to me that i
could use to keep myself from crying through
the days and nights and life it seems, though
you never ever noticed how important
getting through to me could be.

i would like to know what you have to say,
was it really only nothing in a playground
set for fights each day?
i try to work it out and to create a way for all of us to be
but i can´t do no more then i am doing now
and you don´t seem to care.

i´ve stopped myself from playing games and
walking in straight lines is a task for years
i have been trying to achieve though lines
of love are lines that will get crossed when
you forget to see what happens next,
which goal you seak to find in man.

I wonder what you have to say today,
now that I´m gone but a tablecloth in the wind.

untitled yet

I was holding on to nothing
and you, you were holding on to
god damn letters from a love,
a love that carried far from reason
was only a reason to hold on,
to time and state and happiness
granted to those who try the least
and me, i tied the lesser and the quicker
you can get to were i´m going
the better it will be

So what, i try to finish what i started
and you, you can´t deny that we have parted
in a way that can create only what fate
had left for us to see
and i can´t see,
no i cant see
the inner child in you no more,
the colder more the coldest hour
that you had left, believing in what
must be left, just must be left
and i was cross and i was blind
for all you left, you left behind,
was me.

can´t you remember where you´re going
can´t you remember that in life
there is no way to choose
and i believe and i forsee
that love will not come through to me
if we can not give birth to what we´re saying,
and we don´t love the love we´re playing,

all this time.

don´t ask me how to play the game
my favourite game, lets play again.



18.12.08

What i´m falling for

sometime in the year 2006
--------------------------

Make a wish and fall apart
Anguish of a lonely heart.
Far too old to come undone
way too damaged for the fun.
Rip it out and make it bleed
start all over from the seed.
Nothing that you say or do
helps to find my feelings new

Confused heart and confused mind
makes it hard to read the lines.
What did happen, where´d it go
can i take a no for no?
New things vanish old things stay
people change from day to day.
I can tell it all apart,
take it from the lonely heart.

middle of something

Distruction inside me
is a thing that i find
i find it in music,
in the taste of red wine

All things happen

In my head
I go walking down
the path of life.
Human energy surrounds me.
It´s the people i´m afraid of.
Way too many channels,
far too many films,
with no end in sight.
As i go walking through,
in my head,
the flashlight´s on.
It flickers to the sound
of the city
and the humans
in their houses,
with
far too many tv´s
and way too many books.
with
something to believe in.
My human head is bleeding
my eyes are red from light
As i walk backwards
i look straight ahead
into the minutes
passing by.
Mankind errors.
They continue.
Leaving nothing to be known
but
far too many cables
and way too many lives.

(3.2.05)

Reminded of each other

I´ d like to make a list of things
Provided in my head,
Of memories and melodies and things that have been said
These things you see, I ask myself
If they are true or not
If they are real or unreal, maybe they have just been thought
The list I said, reminded me
That shadows in the clouds
Can be or not be elephants and love is always proud

So let me see, put here to words
Reminded of your touch
Reminded by the land you ´re in, it might not mean that much
Remembering that there is never
And that I can not complain
Why never, never started yet and it still feels the same
Reminded that all those goodbyes
Were never as I pleased
But still I felt that something there was never going to leave

I feel a distant lullaby
That hasn´t yet begun
I wonder when and where and why uncertainty remains
“Last night” you said, “but not tonight,”
Remembering my face
Reminded not to make me cry and let things take their pace
“Not true!” I am reminded now
You never said you cared
You said you would remember me and all the things we shared
So tell me what you think of this
Of loneliness and pain
Remembering the silliness of feelings all the same:

It´s not the list remembering
It´s not the mind you own
It´s just the fact your memories keep moving on and on
Reminding you and keeping faith
That one day it will be
Makes memories to certainty and helps the heart to heal
So listen close and hear my words
And perish what I say
The love you feel, surrounding you leaves no one left to blame
For there is someone out there who,
Will love you all the same
Remind you that your offering is more than just a game

You never know where it might be
Your life goes many ways
But be sure that you take good care and cherish what you gain

(Juli 07)

Where the heart is

This means nothing
This is normal
This is real
and all is well


(August 07)

Change in progress

I said to myself that i´m sure i would think of new things be coming my way in a wink,i know that its there and its happening still,, its something thats happens despite my own will, because calling the calling and yearning for change, is not a good way to believe or behave.
and being a friend to a friend to a friend is the worst thing that i´ve ever done in the end, so being all nice and excusing the price for a chicken that is on the run, is crucial and jealous and nasty and mean, and when i´m alone i feel like i might scream.
i might scream out and jump out and all round the fence to a new catastrophic and crazy event. and its coming i feel it, ive said it before, i know that it soon will be knocking my door.
maybe its the trouble i have when i think of women forgotten and crumbs in the sink, i guess it is hard for to find their way in, to find an intention as where to begin, i love you my dear friend i keep you at heart, you know i am anxious to finish the part, where i am a fairy and you are a bird and flying is something we easily learned, like singing and dancing and music as such, i wish you all freedom and lots of good luck. together i´m sure we can make it come back, and stay for a while, of nothing we´ll lack.
it isnt a meaning a place or a time, its more of a feeling i feel in my spine. i wonder i wonder and dwell in the wisdom of wondering if theres a feeling i´m missing, i might be mistaken for i am no god, i am only human, i apologize.

Losing a friend

I know that people change.
I know its not for real,
the feelings that i feel,
are what is lost,
not what i love,
not what I´m scared of.
What i am scared of,
losing love.
Those little bits of glass
cut deep into my soul,
and mix my mind with
feelings, that i put
into a hole.
But i´m not filled
with love alike,
with love alike and true.
And what i choose
is what i lose.
And what i lose is you.

April´s playground

This is how it all began.
--
--
-

To a party downtown
with red lights
gowns and masks
in a sofa with pillows
and wine
red colors red carpets
red lips and blue eyes
a single confession (has)
been made towards the night
Take me home
take my hand
take me out of this place
with red curtains
and silvery smiles
and the promises made
in that red colored light
might mean nothing to you
at all
so
up with a shadow
with lights dimmed
and time
we watch faces and
moments they pass
We had gotten here not
so intentionally as to
see what would happen
at last
Take me home
take my hand
take me out of this place
there´s no people that
i recognise
They´re all hiding inside
and they don´t realise
that to me
this means nothing
at all.

3.4.06

Summer days have gone

i must admit, i am stunned by this.
I have no idea where these came from.

(...) !!!


In a time of inspiration and a place that i would go
i have come to the conclusion that things grow and move and mold
and they change in size and color and in how they say hello
and they lurk and watch and huddle and they use their branches so
when in time they recognise it is they have no mean to stay
they can jump to new positions and then quickly move away.

now that milk and coffee have been served and everything is known
there are moments i remember and a place i can call home
been invited in by rain storms and by sunny sommer days
and by nights that would last longer and soon put me to a haze
so engaged by all the darkness its like creeping towards the light
for my heart has been suspended and my fears are only fright.


in a moment like a wink i never doubted i would miss
all the things i thought i had before, before the love of bliss
and the change crept in completly, in a quiet yurp of pain
made me realise that i had learned, nothing could stay the same
as when summer time had set the pace and told us where to stay
so the movements that we slowly made would form and show each day.

when you wouldnt say a word at all, a word at all to me
still it felt like conversation might just happen easily
and i didnt see the reason and i didnt have the time
but i took it just to make it, and to call all that time mine
so i gave it to you gratefully and never asked or waited
for the branches that you knew were there but always hesitated.

today.

it is right for us i see it now like playing in the trees
the city birds love lullabies and pretty melodies.

11.11.07

Forgotten dream

I forgot about this.

all these years have passed dear friend and we met so long ago that sometimes i forget it all, that meetings you was so, such a wonderful happening, for me, rough and clear, listening to all the things you wished you did not fear.
i know the stars were out that night i watched them as you talked of stories lived in happiness and ways that would be walked. i heard you whisper softly to me that all would now be well and how i did believe your mouth, i cannot really tell. its not that you reminded me of what i thought might be, its just that you reminded me that living life is free. the years have passed the day has gone and all is setting in, the time we thought would come, is lost, of what we spoke is near.
so here i am, not waiting here, just wondering to see if what you said and what you did would reflect over me. for i can be what i can be if what i am is right, if fright is just a fantasy then love can win the fight, i must go on and do the things i like to do each day, and those days and the time we have is only playful play.
i dream of you sometimes my dear, i feel you in my hair,
i love the dirty skin you have, the smell stays in the air.
a bus to go from here to there, a breeze to fill us in, a certain ground to stand upon, the simple simple things.
soon i can be what i can be, come dance with me and sing and may i be a melody you carry deep within.




(EDIT: Cut) 
and though you say, love´s not this way and you don´t feel at all, i wonder why you still hold on and keep me from a fall.
but then again you´re just a man and you can hardly tell that holding on and and moving on, weren´t reasons that i fell at all.
while accepting the rejection then, so many times i could take it from them, but i can´t take it from you my friend,
i can´t take it from you.

(2009)
I wanted you to be someone that you are not
and i thought that you were someone that i like

I feel fine

no stress
how can things be so stupid when i feel so afraid
taking yes for no and no for yes
pending back and forth and never knowing
wondering
dwelling upon what might be best
- talk to you later
help me out i need some clues
planless emotion spilling out
no stress
i keep forgetting
what is it i am chewing on?
am i to choose what i have done?
can you please tell me what is going on
i´m so confused
my head is empty just in thought
whether or not
decisons made
no stress
all will be well no matter which way
the world slides without me
and all will be well.

29.11.05

Substances like Oranges, we range in what we do

You look like all the others and you act just like them too
you hide behind the light at times, no one can count on you.
I do see see through you clearly when you yawn and laugh and squinsh,
and you look at whats beside you in a way that makes me think.
Are you sure you understand that there is nothing you can do,
to be acting like those others, looking like there is no clue,
to this meaning and the dancing, in the kitchen late at night,
when you get home from the job you do and let go of the sight,
of your face when it is acting and your mind as if its blank,
and your chemical reaction to what happens everyday.

So you act like all the others and you sit and wait and stare
in the subways on the way home, you have nothing left to share.
In the lonesome fight for distance and in the lonesome need for time
we must all come to admit that our action´s are not crime.
for we all have hidden faces and some things we try to hide,
and when we look like all the others and we gaze into the night,
we forget about existence and hold on to one great fright;
that the changes that may happen and i tell you this is true,
they have not to do with wrong or right, have not to do with you.

Its a process that you go through and its odd when you can see
that by acting like those others, you are wasting what could be.

- Sometime December 07

Determined to hear what she shouldn´t

I walk right out, i scole myself i run and jump and slow myself, i ask myself, i wonder why, i never try, i never try.i see myself as otherwise, i cannot hide, i search and strive.but halt.i stop. i stop and watch.i play through what it is i want. i walk right on, i thought it through, the history with me and you, no reason for what i can´t do. i ride along, i sing a song, inspired by what i can´t try, i tell myself there is no sense, no feeling that i feel intense, its just another game i play, remind myself of what to say, of how to act and what to do, i´ll never make it up to you.forgive me dear i did not know, that passing time at such slow pace, could be so sullen full of grace. i did not know, i hadn´t learned that time was something that i earned. i wonder. i wonder. i think of all the others. what is it they do, to keep themselves from walking on or passing through? but halt. i stop. i know what i forgot, i weigh the edges of my pride, i ask myself, i wonder why- regardless of the stones i throw, regardless of their weight, i stand there tall i stand there straight, i huss and fuss, i make mistakes. at last. at last. but then at last. i walk right on, right through the song, i sing it right, i hear your tune, i hear it there, right in my ear, i´ve learned to listen very clear, but just not to the things you see, the things we do, the time we use, the usefull time, you use my time with no clear line. i will be fine. i leave your house, i walk on home. i don´t turn back, i do not phone. i wish i realised it right and that i felt at home tonight, but walking out was only good and leads our time to where it should.

-sometime september 07